The Random Moments of the Derailment Bureau- Carte Edition
by lostbetweenhereandthere
Summary: Full summary inside We are the Derailment Bureau, Kinda like a Multiversal A-Team. Have problem? Will solve. Of course, we do have rules. We will only help those who will do the most good in the end, least brutal in their choices or actions, least likely to destabilize their reality or their plan ends with the least amount of deaths. M is for safety. Currently in the Teenish zone
1. Introduction

**Authors: lostbetweenhereandthere and Kirah Opal**

 **We only own the Bureau, Carte Zuri, Blithe Merris and any future OCs we toss in. Any and all pre-owned/copyrighted/trademarked material unless said otherwise is not owned by us. Honestly if we did own them, some things might have to change,,,, Just a little change, not much... Don't look at us that way, it's not like we want to burn down Twilight, prevent Pyrrha Nikos's death and/or get Sidious killed among other things...Stop it. We're serious here.**

 **Chapter length will be all over the place. Characters will most likely be OOC for the duration of the interference, Because why keep them the same? And this is split between us. Anything with Carte will be here, Blithe on Kirah Opal's profile.**

 **INTRODUCTIONS!**

The Bureau. An idea conceived out of the kindness of the the founders' hearts (read: boredom), the Bureau only had two members, both founders, one guy and one gal. Carte Zuri, and Blithe Merris, both paranormals, accomplished lazy people and badasses, who decided that they, out of boredom, would create cards that would show up, advertising their services as dangerous/deadly/stupidly insane villainous/misguided plots to destroy/conquer/enslave/rule/steal/kill important people/planets/species/races/doomsday devices/love interests of various fictional characters that exist within a reality somewhere.

So, if a card appears, coming from the Derailment Bureau, take it. Because you'll probably need their help, eventually….maybe.

"We're like the multiversal and multireality A-Team. Have problem, will solve. For the right price of course."

 **Any suggestions for Bureau interference will be discussed and possibly accepted through PMs or really convincing Reviews.**

 **Unlikely destinations:**

 **Twilight Saga (We have no clue what to do or how to write it)**

 **Doctor Who (honestly who [heh] wants Bureau interference here?)**

 **Star Trek (BUREAUCRACY)**

 **Horror Genres**


	2. A basic look at Carte

Character Descriptions:

Carte Zuri: Looks like Hei from Darker than Black

6 ft But with Chestnut-Brown Hair and Jade-green eyes; smiles more than Hei

Abilities: able to manipulate physics and physical laws (Gravity, friction, thermodynamics, electromagnetism, etc. everything has an exception that says it's optional for him) Storage in a pocket dimension, (literally sometimes, he just reaches into his pocket to pull out a motorcycle, weapons or something ridiculous like a cup of tea)


	3. Chapter 1: The RWBY Incident Part 1

**There will be music needed, and how long it plays is entirely under your control. Mostly just for fun, with maybe some drama here or there. If you feel a song goes better for someone or something, just mention it in a review or in a message of some sort. As long as it's not rocks through windows, creepy letters, or other bad ideas…...like corpse writing or mass arson. The songs for this chapter are- Sad Romance (aka Sad Violin) by Ji Pyeong Kwon, Sons of War by Thomas Bergersen,**

 ***Songs***

*Effects*

Emphasis

 _Thoughts_ \- mostly Carte

 **The RWBY Incident:**

 _Truthfully, they all sound the same, and they always have the funniest expressions on their faces. But they always do some variation on "Muwhahahahaha! My victory is secured and your fates are sealed!"_

"You idiot. Did you really think that would work? Of course I'd have a plan that included that. Either way I plan on getting what I came for, whether from a person in a coma, or a overconfident little girl," a female of variable age, it really depended on who you asked, in a short dress ( _How does she not get picked up in the shady areas of town?_ ) seemed to tower over a kneeling, red-orange haired girl in armor who looked absolutely devastated, and whose friend would arrive far too late. And likely wouldn't be any help. There was a giant dragon (?) thing there too, colored black and covered with white plates and red highlights.

"When all else fails, Miss Nikos, and all seems lost, and you are about to die, fold this card together. Then you will find out what the symbols mean."- The red-orange haired girl 'heard' her headmaster's words to her when she arrived at the school, most likely, if Ozpin did as expected. The card, with only two symbols and a name, a series of broken train tracks and a clock with the words "The Derailment Bureau", was still with her, hidden behind in her right at things, this seemed as good a time as any. _If this fails, I'm sorry_ , were her thoughts, probably. Within standard deviations at least, it changed from place to place, and time to time. The card was carefully folded ( _How I will never know, nor do I care)_ , and nothing happened afterwards.

"Did you do something?" The female said, as the creature suddenly began looking a little nervous.

{Eh? What is that? Felt like something poked me or….. wait….} the still questionably dragon creature quietly growled to itself, surprisingly coherent and eloquent for only a single growl that only lasted a second.

"No matter. I still win and Ozpin, the fool, loses," The female leaned closer and reached out for the redhead, who was collapsed on her knees.

"No." Hope began quickly fading from the kneeling girl's eyes.

*huff huff* "Whoo….." a more innocent looking girl in red made her way to the top of the tower where this was taking place, as wrecked as it was.

 _Honestly, this place looks like a bomb went off, after a wrecking ball crashed through here._

"You know, I'm pretty sure that this won't end well." A definitely male voice said, causing the three females and the dragon froze and started looking around the wrecked tower, while the dragon slowly started to shift uncomfortably.

{What is this? Only she feels like this….. Only she feels this powerful.} The dragon began looking…..disturbed.

"What are you worried about? If it's human you can kill it!" The variably aged female looked at the dragon thing with her eyes glowing, missing the younger girls moving together.

 _Smart girls._ "No. Not really. You see, this fine gentleman dragon has….felt, for lack of a better word, the power that I am both blessed and cursed with." The voice seemed to come from many places around the tower.

{Oh no. If this prey is as powerful as he feels…...}To the dragon, backing towards the ledge, which looked surprisingly inviting.

"What?" The three females froze again.

"Show yourself!" Mistress Variable summoned or created a bow and strung an arrow, pointing it at the two girls across from her. "If you don't, I'll kill them! You'll have their blood on your hands!"

The two hostages froze and stared at the arrow like it was all that mattered. And then looked farther behind, and their eyes widened in shock.

"Oh really? You don't quite seem to understand lady, but you don't hold any cards here." The 'hostages' jaws dropped and Missy Variable got a little confused.

"What are you looking at?" The "slowly losing it all" villain spun around and paused. The dragon's dismembered and decapitated body was piled neatly on the tower, like a macabre pyramid.

"They are looking at something you cannot quite process." Miss Variable spun and fired, only realizing after the fact that her target was a part of a ruined desk as she, beginning to panic slightly, strung another arrow.

"Now that wasn't very nice." All three girls looked to the western edge of the tower and their minds paused at what they saw. "Oh don't stare. It's kinda weird." There was a shadowed figure sitting on a piece of rubble near the edge of the tower. An increasing amount of fire from the town and land below the tower slowly illuminated the black trench coat with a green inner lining and black pants they were wearing. As the weirdness of the moment passed, they realized that A) It was a guy with brown hair and green eyes and B) his green eyes were not reflecting the light from below and were actually glowing.

Every alarm bell was ringing in Miss Variable's head as those eyes focused on her. She panicked a little bit more than necessary and caused *FWUMPH* a column of flame to consume the area where the eyes were glowing from.

"Alright, now that he is dealt with-" Variable turned back towards her 'hostages' while the flames died down.

"Well that was rude." Surprisingly unharmed and now revealed to look not much older or younger than the others on the tower male was somehow sitting on the rubble still and was drinking a cup of tea. Needless to say, jaws met the floor.

"H-how?! I should've melted your flesh and cracked and blackened your bones!"

"Of course the real question, as I hear it, is where did I get the tea?" The male calmly took a sip from his cup before an arrow went through his ribs and entered the thoracic cavity, straight into his heart. ( **Sad Romance here please** )

Red, as he decided to call the youngest looking girl, teared up at the suddenness with which he died, while Miss Nikos, the other 'hostage', looked bereft of all hope, when the corpse leaned over and fell to the ground, and the cup of tea landed perfectly flat, somehow, without a single drop spilt.

*FWUMP* A second column of flame consumed the "corpse", followed by another with bluish-white flames, which left the ground blacked and any exposed metal glowing and a shadow outline of where the body was and a cracked pile of blackened teacup. Miss Variable was starting to look angry and was starting to breathe a little faster than normal.

Drawing another arrow she turned back towards her targets, "Die now without hope you children."

 _Almost done_."Noooooo! He was so young!" The exact same male appeared right by the shadow-outline and began picking up the fragments of teacup.

"What?" _Oh you can almost hear their minds crash to a halt. Ahhhhh derailment._

"My teacup! He was only thirty days old! You murdered him! And my tea! That was my favorite blend! You vaporised it all!" He straightened up and pointed straight at Miss Variable. "I'm going to get you for this! And not just because it's my chosen job and source of entertainment, but because you murdered my cup and vaporized my tea!" He stepped forward as some rubble shifted and revealed a sound system that wasn't there before.

It got kinda awkward after that. The three other people just stared for a few seconds, processing what just came out of the strange man's mouth.

"What?" Red was the first to speak, just staring at him.

"Come on Miss Tea Murderer! Let's go! You will pay for denying me the chance to enjoy my tea and destroying my cup!" Slowly, he started walking forward, drawing a pistol from within his jacket.

"Are you insane?" The Murderer of Innocent Teacups and Tea aimed and fired a single arrow, perfectly aimed to take out his left eye.( **Sons of War here** )

*BANG* The arrow shattered midair and a shell bounced once on the floor before somehow vanishing.

"Just like everyone else, yes!" He continued his march towards her, deflecting every arrow fired his way with perfected accuracy and pistol rounds.

"What?!" _Oooooo, delicious, delicious panic!_ The Murderer of Tea Cups and Tea started to panic and fire as fast as she could.

"Oh yes, we all are. Haven't you noticed?" Halfway there, he pulled out another pistol and started alternating them, one aimed and the other would point to the sky.

"Are you alright in the head?" Red was a little confused and nearly lost her eye to the arrow that flew her way before the pistol round deflected it and itself, leaving her undamaged. Miss Nikos pulled her behind cover after that.

"Hey, hey now Miss Tea Murderer. This fight's between us now. Any attempts to take out the audience will get you carded by the ref!" Now three quarters of the way there, the left pistol was switched with a short sword that looked a little awkward to be fitting under his jacket, straight, but curving into it's point at the tip, a foot and a half long blade in total, and yet razor sharp, and strange. It seemed to give off the feeling that it could slice through almost everything dropped an inch above the blade.

With a filling of her lungs, the Murderer of Tea Cups leapt forward, summoning or creating two blades of this glassy material and swinging them at his head, only for them to be stopped, almost carelessly by his sword, perpendicular to each other. With a panicked backstep, the pistol round that had followed the sword up barely missed her arm. Several times this would repeat, each round from his pistol just barely missing her limbs every time as they danced their way around each other.

When Miss Tea Murderer noticed her opponent appeared to leave a gap for her blades to slide in, cut his jacket and open up his abdomen, she lunged. Oddly enough, the blade shattered on contact with his jacket. _Ah density and selective density, my old friends._ She barely got away with a graze on her abdomen from his sword and failed to notice the pistol pointed at her foot. The shock of pain and resulting collapse of integrity brought her to a knee. The following pommel whip from his sword smacked into the side of her head with a painful thud.

"Okay! She's out now! Anyone hiding can reveal themselves now." The sword and pistol vanished into the jacket and he turned around.

"Are you sure?" One of the two girls asked from behind a pile of rubble.

*groanSMACKthud* "Well now I'm sure!"

"You sound too cheerful about this!"

"Well she killed my tea and my teacup! That's a capital offence!"


End file.
